birthday cards

birthday cards

Looking for funny birthday cards? How about funny birthday cards that let you say exactly what's on your mind? Then feast your big, watery eyes on Uncooked's snarky, sarcastic and always hilarious collection of birthday cards. You'll find the funniest, most original selection of birthday cards basically probably ever. They're the perfect way to wish someone a happy birthday in your own unique, witty, and sometimes absurd way. Browse our great selection of funny birthday cards now. No seriously, browse it now, or else.

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any more thoughtful

outside text:
just when i thought i couldn't be any more thoughtful, i surprise myself by remembering your birthday.

inside text:
happy birthday

any more thoughtful.
$3.25

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wished wishes

outside text:
wishing you so many birthday wishes you'll wish i never wished you any wishes in the first place.

inside text:
happy birthday

wished wishes.
$3.25

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oldest friend

outside text:
happy birthday to my oldest friend in the world. no, like literally, you're the oldest friend i have.

inside text:
happy birthday

oldest friend.
$3.25

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bunch of friends

outside text:
happy birthday from all of us. and by all of us i mean me. i'm just trying to sound like i have a bunch of friends.

inside text:
happy birthday

bunch of friends.
$3.25

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birthday king

outside text:
today you are the birthday king. tomorrow you go back to being, well, you.

inside text:
happy birthday

birthday king.
$3.25

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favorite day

outside text:
your birthday is my favorite day of the year. right after my birthday, thanksgiving, halloween and christmas. oh, and labor day.

inside text:
happy birthday

favorite day.
$3.25

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ruin their life

outside text:
if someone tried to ruin your birthday, i'd ruin their life.

inside text:
happy birthday

ruin their life.
$3.25

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never looked better

outside text:
it's your birthday and quite honestly, you've never looked better. well, obviously you looked better a few years ago but what can you do.

inside text:
happy birthday

never looked better.
$3.25

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however old

outside text:
happy however old you're telling people you are today.

inside text:
happy birthday

however old.
$3.25

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wishing you

outside text:
wishing you a day that's as unforgettable as I am.

inside text:
happy birthday

wishing you.
$3.25

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unless i get diarrhea

outside text:
i'm not going to let anything get in the way of us celebrating your birthday. well, unless i get diarrhea. then i won't be celebrating anything.

inside text:
happy birthday

unless i get diarrhea.
$3.25

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another year older

outside text:
another year older and another year wiser. well, maybe not that last part.

inside text:
happy birthday

another year older.
$3.25

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private sections

outside text:
i'm really glad your parents had sexual intercourse and made you with their private sections.

inside text:
happy birthday

private sections.
$3.25

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knew that

outside text:
it's your birthday! you probably already knew that though.

inside text:
happy birthday

knew that.
$3.25

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think you're a slut

outside text:
what's great about birthdays is that for one whole day, people have to be nice to you. even the people who think you're a slut because of how you dress.

inside text:
happy birthday

think you're a slut.
$3.25

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those feet

outside text:
let's celebrate everything about you today. well, except for maybe those feet.

inside text:
happy birthday

those feet.
$3.25

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older and fatter

outside text:
i'm willing to pretend we're not getting older and fatter if you are.

inside text:
happy birthday

older and fatter.
$3.25

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already dead

outside text:
i know you don't like celebrating birthdays but at least you still can. most people your age are already dead.

inside text:
happy birthday

already dead.
$3.25

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your stupid birthday

outside text:
i can't wait for your stupid birthday to be over so we can start celebrating the only birthday that really matters, mine.

inside text:
happy birthday

your stupid birthday.
$3.25

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big face

outside text:
i hope your big birthday brings a big smile to your big face.

inside text:
happy birthday

big face.
$3.25

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younger

outside text:
i can't think of anyone who gets younger looking with age than you. oh wait, nevermind. i just thought of someone.

inside text:
happy birthday

younger.
$3.25

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people in jail

outside text:
i hope you have a great birthday and get to do all the fun things people in jail wish they could do.

inside text:
happy birthday

people in jail.
$3.25

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ten years older

outside text:
if it makes you feel any better, you look exactly like you did ten years ago, just ten years older.

inside text:
happy birthday

ten years older.
$3.25

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eat pie and swear

outside text:
today's yourbirthday and we should do special birthdaythings like eat pie and swear.

inside text:
happy birthday

eat pie and swear.
$3.25

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your stupid birthday card

outside text:
here's your stupid birthday card.

inside text:
happy birthday

your stupid birthday card.
$3.25

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breast implants

outside text:
birthdays are great because you get to wish for things like breast implants and world peace.

inside text:
happy birthday

breast implants.
$3.25

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big lamewad

outside text:
anyone who doesn't wish you a happy birthday is just a big lamewad and i hate them.

inside text:
happy birthday

big lamewad.
$3.25

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best birthday

outside text:
this birthday is going to be your best birthday ever. but what do i know, i said that last year and your birthday kind of sucked.

inside text:
happy birthday

best birthday.
$3.25

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so busy and popular

outside text:
i can't believe i remembered your birthday. i've just been so busy and popular lately, i'm surprised i remembered you at all.

inside text:
happy birthday

so busy and popular.
$3.25

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sorcerer

outside text:
it's your birthday and i want you to be happy all day. that's why i'm not going to tell you about the sorcerer who lives in my pocket and hates your guts.

inside text:
happy birthday

sorcerer.
$3.25

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ignoring you

outside text:
the day after your birthday is the worst day ever because it's not your birthday anymore and people go back to ignoring you. at least that's what happens to me.

inside text:
happy birthday

ignoring you.
$3.25

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happiest birthday ever

outside text:
i'd do anything to give you the happiest birthday ever. within reason of course. i'm not made of money.

inside text:
happy birthday

happiest birthday ever.
$3.25

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leave you for dead

outside text:
if i ruled the world, i'd make a rule that said everyone had to give you a birthday present. then i'd take all your presents and leave you for dead.

inside text:
happy birthday

leave you for dead.
$3.25

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lie about your weight

outside text:
sometimes i wonder if your birthday really is when you say it is or if you're lying, like you do about your weight.

inside text:
happy birthday

lie about your weight.
$3.25

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real jerk

outside text:
i would never tell you this, especially on your birthday, but when we first met i thought you were a real jerk.

inside text:
happy birthday

real jerk.
$3.25

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sexy birthday

outside text:
i hope you're ready to have a sexy birthday because i have all sorts of sexy things planned. for example, i'm going to push your butt cheeks together.

inside text:
happy birthday

sexy birthday.
$3.25

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most amazing person

outside text:
happy birthday to the most amazing person in the world. or maybe just in this country. the world is kind of stretching it.

inside text:
happy birthday

most amazing person.
$3.25

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big happy idiot

outside text:
i can't stand people who think they're so cool just because it's their birthday. that's why i like you. you just act like a big happy idiot all the time.

inside text:
happy birthday

big happy idiot.
$3.25

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mad i forgot your birthday

outside text:
i'm so mad i forgot your birthday i can't even look at myself. oh who am i kidding, of course i can. i'm gorgeous.

inside text:
happy birthday

mad i forgot your birthday.
$3.25

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you were adopted

outside text:
i know you think it's your birthday today but maybe it isn't. maybe your parents just told you it was so you wouldn't find out you were adopted.

inside text:
happy birthday

you were adopted.
$3.25

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pretend i'm you

outside text:
whenever it's your birthday, i pretend i'm you and that it's my birthday. in fact, whenever i do anything i pretend i'm you.

inside text:
happy birthday

pretend i'm you.
$3.25

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you big dummy

outside text:
if you were in a coma with no hope of waking up, i'd still buy you the best birthday present ever. not that you would be awake to appreciate it, you big dummy.

inside text:
happy birthday

you big dummy.
$3.25

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yeast infections

outside text:
i know you hate birthdays but at least you don't have a yeast infection. yeast infections are the worst.

inside text:
happy birthday

yeast infections.
$3.25

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don't make a big deal

outside text:
whatever you do, don't make a big deal about your birthday or turning another year older. i know i'm not going to.

inside text:
happy birthday

don't make a big deal.
$3.25

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burn them alive

outside text:
it makes me so mad to know there are other people out there who have the same birthday as you. so mad i want to burn them alive.

inside text:
happy birthday

burn them alive.
$3.25

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outy belly button

outside text:
i'm so relieved it's your birthday today and not mine. my outy belly button got caught in my coat zipper so i'm really not in a partying mood.

inside text:
happy birthday

outy belly button.
$3.25

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cleavage

outside text:
take it from me, don't bother making a birthday wish. every year i wish for more cleavage and look at me, i've got nothing.

inside text:
happy birthday

cleavage.
$3.25

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really flakey

outside text:
you're my best friend and i'm going to make sure you have the best birthday ever. don't get too excited though, i've been really flakey lately.

inside text:
happy birthday

really flakey.
$3.25

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two birthdays

outside text:
you're so wonderful, i want to give you my birthday so you get two birthdays a year instead of one. the only thing i ask is that you give it back. like, right now.

inside text:
happy birthday

two birthdays.
$3.25

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so stupid

outside text:
you should be happy you live in a country where you can celebrate your birthday with friends.i bet if you lived somewhere else people would think you were so stupid.

inside text:
happy birthday

so stupid.
$3.25

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birthday chicken

outside text:
too bad there's no such thing as birthday chicken. you like chicken more than cake.

inside text:
happy birthday

birthday chicken.
$3.25

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slab of ham

outside text:
may your birthday make you feel warm and sticky like a slab of ham drenched in honey.

inside text:
happy birthday

slab of ham.
$3.25

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jostling genitals

outside text:
for your birthday i wanted to bake you something sweet. but since i've been jostling my genitals all morning i decided not to.

inside text:
happy birthday

jostling genitals.
$3.25

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pancake nipples

outside text:
it's your birthday and i can't wait to make you big birthday pancakes and drape them over your big pancake nipples.

inside text:
happy birthday

pancake nipples.
$3.25

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